Kat's story: when buckets of lansinoh cream isn't enough
I was going to breastfeed. End of.
It was not a matter of choice – breast or bottle. In my black and white world, it was every mother’s duty to breastfeed and every baby’s right to be breastfed. I never really thought more about it…
When Alex’s time came, everything went as smoothly as could be expected after a 23 hour messy labour affair. Within an hour of being born, he was happily suckling away and I thought life was bliss. Over the next couple of days, Alex continued to latch on well. Then my milk came in and the proper feeding started, which in Alex’s interpretation was every 2 to 3 hours. This meant 10 to 12 feeds every 24 hours. My nipples cracked and bled. I used industrial quantities of Lansinoh cream. No good, they kept cracking and bleeding. To top it all off, I was in toe-curling pain for a few seconds every time Alex latched on. I was told it was my let down reflex.
My enthusiasm was soon dampened as I was told I was hurting because Alex wasn’t latching on properly. He seemed to be doing completely ok to me. He wasn’t putting much weight on, but that’s ok for breastfed babies. Or is it not? I was hurtling down a dangerous path of self-doubt: “What if he is not getting enough from me? Is that why he feeds so often? Am I a bad mother for not recognising there was a problem?” The following two weeks were hell. I was hurting. I was worrying about Alex’s feeding. Alex got colic. Alex was hurting. My husband was very supportive and in his effort to ease the pressure off me, he suggested we try formula. I would be so easy...no more pain and I could get some sleep as we could share the night feeds. I was soo tempted...
I think it was this wavering of my iron will that actually made me stop and think. Wait a minute. I am breastfeeding because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Let’s give it until he is 6 weeks and then we’ll see…Shortly after, I came across a very sensible midwife who checked Alex’s latch on, said it was perfect and explained to me that initial pain with breastfeeding is completely normal until your nipples get used to all that wear and tear. So we persevered. My husband suggested I express milk to give my nipples and me a well-deserved rest as he bottle-fed Alex. This worked. The pain was gradually easing off, the bleeding stopped and cracks healed over. The demand feeding was very demanding on me but with the pain gone I could cope with it. Let’s give it until he is 3 months and then we’ll see.
Alex is now 7 months old. My nipples are tough like old boots. We still breastfeed morning, mid-afternoon and evening. It is the most amazing bonding experience a mother and her baby can ever have. Having given Alex an occasional bottle, I know what I’m talking about. Nothing in this world compares to having your warm and fluffy baby cuddled up next to you, feeding whilst you stroke his downy hair and tickle his chubby cheek. I know it will be heart-breaking for me when it all stops. I go back to work soon and with Alex in the nursery, the afternoon feed will have to be replaced by formula. However, I will cling on to the morning and evening breastfeed for as long as he will.
Now I know that breastfeeding is not a duty – it is a privilege. It is also a sacrifice. You give up your body, you give up your sleep, you give up your freedom and your privacy and you take the pain – all for your baby. Not every woman can do it. Some women give up. And I understand…I have nearly done it myself.
Created: November 19, 2009
